Sexy Hogwarts
by Secret Snoopy
Summary: Slash parody! Hogwarts is a place where slash runs wild, without a plot or a quality check. Rated M for minor language, sexual situations and strong stupidity. Now with added slush!
1. Sexy Hogwarts a Parody

Disclaimer: My quest to own Harry Potter is still ongoing.

Author's Note: Even though I love slash and m/m-ness, I couldn't help but write this Harry Potter slash parody. It's rated M for minor language, sexual situations and strong stupidity.

The implication that this is in the Harry/Draco pairing is slightly misleading. But only slightly. (Hint hint for last segment of this fic.) This is definitely not my best work, but if I think of more ridiculous ideas, I might add an extra chapter.

* * *

**Sexy Hogwarts**... a Parody

Once upon a time, in the wee hours of the morning, Draco Malfoy was walking down a deserted hallway in Hogwarts. Not a student or professor in sight. Yep, it sure was deserted. So Draco was walking down the deserted hallway, not going anywhere in particular.

Suddenly, he decided that it would be a good idea to go into closet and close the door. And even worse, he didn't have his wand with him! Draco tried to turn the knob, but it wouldn't budge.

"Oh no!" Draco cried out to no one in particular. "I'm stuck in a closet! This would be a highly sexual situation if I were not all by myself... oh, the horror!"

So Ron Weasley was walking down a deserted hallway in Hogwarts. There is only one deserted hallway in Hogwarts, so it must be the same one Draco Malfoy was walking down too! Coincidence? Or just the contrived plot of the authoress? Ooh, you'll just have to read on to find out!

Anyway, that was when he noticed a door. Wow, how interesting. _I wonder what's behind that door?_ Ron wondered to himself. Despite common logic, he went in.

"Oh crap, don't let the door close—" but it was too late. "Damn it!" Draco cussed. "I'm stuck in a closet with freaking Weasel!"

"How sexually stimulating," Ron foreshadowed.

* * *

It was a regular day at Hogwarts, and everyone (well, almost everyone, wink wink) was seated at their house tables, enjoying their breakfast.

Hermione looked to her left and her right. Everywhere she turned males students were staring googly-eyed at each other.

Seamus Finnagan and Dean Thomas were holding hands. Neville Longbottom and Ernie MacMillian were shooting suggestive glances at each other, completely enraptured. Crabbe and Goyle had thrown caution to the wind and were snogging passionately in full view of the school. And Fred and George Weasley... somehow the school had come to terms with the fact that they were shagging each other on a regular occasion. Because, you know, twincest is cool too.

Hermione shuddered slightly.

The only male that wasn't in participation was one Harry Potter, who was starring blankly at his food. Some might even consider Harry asexual.

But let's not jump to conclusions, shall we? Especially since he's an amazing sex pot who needs it and needs it bad.

Hermione could not believe this. I mean, after all, girls need sex too. How bizarre that every sexually attractive male had been claimed by one of their own kind. It was very discouraging.

"It's not normal, is it Harry?" she said. "Almost every guy here is gay and involved in a relationship."

Harry shrugged indifferently.

"That's not fair," she continued. "What about us girls? Who are we supposed to date? If all the guys are taken, what does that leave _us_ to do? Are we just invalids or what?"

Unbeknownst to her, Ginny was starring straight at her, her eyes filling up with lust.

* * *

Harry was growing bored of this conversation because Hermione is a girl and therefore boring in a slash story. He rose out of his seat and slumped towards the exit of the Great Hall. What he didn't know was that everyone was watching him... with their hormones raging.

As the author mentioned, Harry Potter is a complete sex pot. What, with his glasses, small figure, pale skin and deviant mark on his head.

Right there, Colin Creevy stood up and began giving Harry a hand job. "Howja like that Harry?"

"Erm, fine Colin," Harry pushed Colin away and continued on his way. He could have felt five or six hands grab his butt, with more failing at their attempts.

Just as Harry made it to the exit, someone shouted: "Get 'em!"

Suddenly, half the student body was up and running toward him, squealing like fan boys (and I guess fan girls) do. Harry cursed out a string of bad words (all too mature to publish) and raced down the hall, with his clan of obsessive admirers in hot pursuit.

As he ran, he passed by an ordinary looking door, probably a closet and very comfortable looking. Harry contemplated sliding in, but then he remembered the people chasing him and passed on.

* * *

In the closet (ooh, double meaning, author so smart) Ron and Draco were both trying to get out of the closet. Of course they were frantic: the longer they were in there, the sexier it got. After all, they had spent most of the time spewing nasty but provocative insults at one another, leaving the other hungry for more. Heh.

"You're a loser," Ron proclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Well... you suck!" Draco countered with. Both boys knew what _that_ statement insinuated.

Suddenly, Draco realized something that was vital to the development of the plot:

He was very horny.

So he decided to grab whoever or whatever was within the vicinity (ooh, how convenient that it was Ron Weasley!) and began snogging him/her/it.

_Wow, this is hot, _Draco mused as he stuck his tongue in Ron's mouth.

Suddenly, Ron realized something that was also vital to the development of the plot:

He was very horny as well!

Two horny guys stuck in a closet making out. Do we _need _an actual plot? Oh wait a minute, that _is_ the actual plot. Cool. I mean, hot.

After they were done snogging and had realized their desire (finally), Draco yanked down his pants and... began performing acts that warrant an NC-17 label but somehow manage to slip through into the M rating instead. Oops.

* * *

"Professor Dumbledore!" Harry gasped, barely able to catch his breath. He had finally evaded his fanboys/girls and found refuge in his Headmaster's office.

Professor Dumbledore looked up from his important work at his important desk and gave Harry an important glance. "Why Harry, you look awful. Is everything all right?"

"Students... chocolate frog… chasing... lemon drops..." Harry said between long intakes of air.

"I see..." Dumbledore nodded his understanding. He put down his Sudoku and stood up importantly. "Every student at Hogwarts wants to fuck you senseless."

Harry's eyes widened ever so slightly at Professor Dumbledore's use of profanity, but he thought nothing much of it. "Yes Professor, they think I'm insatiably sexy."

"Some might even say that you've cast a spell on them."

"Some might, Professor."

"They all want to rub your magic wand."

"Erm... Professor?"

"Maybe even perform the perfectus totalus spell so they can touch every crevice of your perfectly toned body?"

Harry visibly paled.

"Of course Harry, and that's just the students..." Dumbledore's eyes had an expressionless glaze over them. He began to charge towards Harry. The drool at the corner of his mouth was visibly evident.

Harry screamed and fled the room, then again when he saw the mob of people coming his way. He threw his arms up in the air and ran.

* * *

Ron and Draco finally emerged out of the closet at the same time, clothing untucked, shirts unbuttoned, hair sticking in all directions and discolorations on their necks and shoulders that looked very much like hickeys. Both seemed completely unfazed by the fact that they had just had hot forbidden sex with their arch enemy. Maybe that's what made it hotter...?

"Same time tomorrow?"

"Sure."

And they walked off in different directions.

* * *

Harry had finally managed to elude his pursuers by hiding in the Quidditch showers. No one would think to look there, and nothing sexual could happen there at all, right?

He stood in the cubicle, paralyzed with fear that he might be found, where a gorgeously muscular harm wrapped around his torso. Harry whirled around and found himself face-to-face with a very naked Cedric Diggory.

Harry screamed. Then, "Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Yeah," Cedric said in a sexy voice. His gorgeous body was dripping with water droplets that did nothing but accentuate his perfectly sculpted body. "But the author figured that she needed a definite hot guy to deflower the Boy-Who-Needs-to-be-Fucked."

"She could have gotten Oliver Wood," Harry pointed out. "He may not go to this school anymore but at least he's still alive. He also happens to be painfully sexy."

"The author forgot about Oliver Wood (in spite of his sexiness) since he made his last appearance in book three and movie two... um, I mean, he's been gone from Hogwarts too long for anyone to remember. Now," Cedric turned around so his gorgeous butt faced Harry. "You want to work the finest piece of ass in wizard kind or what?"

Instead of dignifying that question with a response, Harry fled like the coward he wasn't supposed to be.

* * *

Professor Snape was sexy. Everyone knew that he was sexy. Pretty much everyone in the school was sexy, Hogwarts as a whole was a very sexy school, but Snape was especially sexy.

After all, who wouldn't find grey skin, a large crooked nose and greasy black hair a complete turn-on?

Draco walked into the classroom after his good hard shag with Ron, not looking disheveled or tiny at all. In fact, he looked totally big and buff and sexy... just like Professor Snape! Since Draco was in fact a teacher's pet in Snape's class, his sexual fantasies involved kinky sex with the sexiest teacher at Hogwarts (who was probably into S&M, another turn on).

"Hello Professor Snape." Draco said seductively. He pulled out a quill and whipped it across the room. "Whoops. Clumsy me. I must go and fetch my feathery item."

As Draco bent down to retrieve his writing utensil (which also conveniently doubled as a sex toy) with his ass high in the air and pointing directly at Snape, Snape couldn't help but feel incredibly turned on by this sinister child. Draco Malfoy was someone he'd wanted to hit for a long time (and that feeling was mutual).

Then suddenly, Snape pulled down his pants and... since the author is a newly pubescent tween whose only sexual experience was derived from reading smutty Harry Potter fan fictions, the author had no choice but to produce a carbon copy of a pedophilic sex scene from another story. That's why they're all the same.

* * *

Harry remembered one room that he could hide out without being discovered: the Room of Requirement. With his last ounces of strength, Harry ran to the room, swung the door open and disappeared out of sight. He leaned his body against the door and let out a loud sigh of relief.

His surroundings were gorgeous. There was a modest-sized home in vast rolling hills, lush green grass, tall trees, bright sunshine and...

"Voldemort?" Harry's jaw dropped.

The sixteen year old Tom Riddle grinned. "We meet again Harry."

"Why would sexy—I mean, evil Voldemort be in my fantasies?"

"Because," Tom Riddle began, running his hand up Harry's chest. "You've always had fantasies of your antagonist making sweet, tender, violent love to you. I'm so elusive, so forbidden that it teases you to the point of raw passion. You're obsessed with me, you want me to dominate you... you just _want_ _me_..." His eyes were hypnotic.

"Yes, I want you Voldemort..." Harry said robotically as Tom Riddle sunk his teeth into Harry's neck.

* * *

Hermione was exasperated. Ron was nowhere to be found. Harry had gone AWOL. Even Draco wasn't there to taunt her mercilessly. Where were all the sexy boys?

"Hello Hermione," said slutty Ginny in a husky voice. She was wearing top that popped out all over the place and exposed her large breasts as well as her midriff, and a mini-skirt that was criminally short (Hogwarts uniform not withstanding). "Are you looking for something?"

"Yes, I'm looking for something—" but when Hermione caught sight of the over-sexed Ginny, she forgot all about her male friends, or anyone else for that matter. "Whoa... G-Ginny?"

Porn music began to play as Ginny spoke. "I love bras, they're so... sexy. And I love panties too. Want to come to my room and we can compare?"

Both girls were now panting, horny as well. They ran to the nearest curtain-adorned window and began ripping each other's clothes off. Too bad slash writers are pre-dominantly straight females or this would be super hot.

* * *

Despite his vigorous Quidditch workouts (which basically has him sitting on his broom during the whole practice... hm, what a phallic image...) Harry was losing energy fast and could no longer continue to run from his admirers/groupies. Sure, those workouts gave him a gorgeously perfect body, but... you know.

When he was finally caught, Harry shrouded into a fetal position and waited for the inevitable.

Everyone just stopped and stared.

Harry realized that there weren't at least a dozen hands reaching for his goodies. "What's going on? I thought you all wanted to gang rape me."

Everyone let out a collective "NO!"

Pause.

"Can we have your autograph?"

* * *

The rest of the day continued without much incident, mostly because the author wanted to skip right to the night time (the sexiest time of day, wouldn't you agree?). The girls went into their dormitories, and the boys to theirs. And you just _know_ they have massive same-sex orgies in there, obviously.

After the supposed massive same-sex orgy, Harry decided to go on a ritual late night walk around Hogwarts with his Invisibility Cloak. He was obviously anticipating something to transpire that night... and if it so happened to be sexy, then that's just more icing on your cake.

Draco had decided to get up extra early to decorate their closet with rose petals, candy and kinky toys. He wanted everything to be perfect for his Weasel. Little did he know he was being tagged by...

Watching Draco scutter down the hall after lights out, Harry couldn't help but feel a little bit tempted. What evil plans could the evil incarnate of Hogwarts be up to at this time of day?

He followed him down to the empty hall, where Draco appeared to be by himself. He went to the now infamous closet of symbolic significance and slipped inside. So Harry did the same.

"Gotcha!" Harry blurted out in glee after whipping off his Invisibility Cloak.

Draco's initial reaction was one of horror. But as intelligent as this pureblood was, he was quick to take the situation into his own favour.

"You're right Potter, you caught me," he said. "Take me now, I'm yours!"

"Wha--" Harry's baffled response was cut short when Draco suddenly lunged at him. But before anything could happen, Ron entered the closet.

"What is going on here?" Ron screamed upon witnessing the two. "Malfoy you man-whore, how could you do this to me?"

"Shut up Weasel," Draco snapped back, his mind racing. "Are you going to bitch like a little girl or are you going to join us?"

Some might think that Ron would be averse to shagging his best mate. But there was a good explanation to this complete lack of canon. He wasn't.

So in the closet of forbidden passion, the three had a threesome that was way too hot to put into words. Afterwards, they munched on the candy Draco and brought then had a couple of other rounds until they were too exhausted to continue and went back to their houses.

"Wow, Draco Malfoy is one hell of a sex god," Harry observed as he and Ron casually walked back to their room.

"Tell me about it," Ron agreed. "I've still got a bangover from last time."

* * *

Remus Lupin was weeping at his beloved friend's passing, as he usually did. How could Sirius have died on him, before he could tell him Remus _loved_ him? It wasn't fair damnit! Why did Sirius, Remus's true love of all eternity have to die? He continued to weep violently. Can you feel the angst?

Suddenly, a figure emerged. It was...

"Padfoot!" Remus jumped up and gave his newly revived from the dead friend a fierce hug. He didn't inquire as to what happened and how it happened, he was just happy that the love of his life was alive and he was holding him in his arms.

"I have something to confess to you Moony," Sirius said in a serious voice. "I'm in love with you and I get a boner just thinking about you."

"Oh my God, really? Remus yelped excitedly. "Me too!"

That's all the conversation it look to realize the lust they had for each other. Without hesitation, they began their _Puppy_ Love, _Doggy_ Style. (Oh come on people, you could have seen that coming a mile away.)

* * *

The next morning, Draco Malfoy woke up feeling... strange. He was nauseous, bloated, his breasts felt tender and he had the sudden urge to eat pickles dipped in liver pudding.

"I wonder what's happening to me," Draco wondered out loud as he massaged his belly. "I better go down to Madame Pomfrey to see what the heck could be the matter with me after spontaneously shagging multiple partners yesterday." And that he did.

After Madame Pomfrey did a quick physical of Draco's body, she came to a startling conclusion. "Mr. Malfoy, did you have sex with multiple partners and _not_ wear a condom?"

"Yes Madame Pomfrey," Draco replied. "Why do you ask?"

"I have some bad news for you Draco."

Draco nodded, saddened but not entirely shocked. "All right, lay it on me. What is it?"

"Despite our school's track record of... um, student activity, you are the first recorded case we have." Madame Pomfrey let out a deep sigh before continuing. "I'm afraid to tell you, Mr. Malfoy, that you... are..."

"I'm what?" Draco buried his face in his hands.

"…dying."

The news bolted Draco up. "Wait a minute, that's impossible. I'm supposed to be pregnant!"

"What are you talking about you silly boy?" said Madame Pomfrey. "Boys can't get pregnant, that is biologically impossible. However, boys can get STIs when they have hot unprotected sex with multiple wizards."

"But the morning sickness... my new appetite... I have to be pregnant!" Draco maintained.

"Nope, you're dying," Madame Pomfrey corrected him. "From a very rare form of sexually transmitted illness that one only gets for being a slut... trampitis. It serves you right for having too much fun at Hogwarts."

"Ooh, damn, I don't want to die," Draco slumped down to the floor. "I'd much rather be pregnant."

"Are you kidding? That's crazy," Madame Pomfrey snapped. "That's nine months of pure hell, you'd be better off dead. And where exactly would it come out?"

**The End

* * *

**

Author's Note: There you have it. I don't usually like flamers because they seriously need to get some self-esteem, but if you must, I'll understand. Just keep in mind, this was only meant to be a gag. If you've made it this far, then give yourself a pat on the back and give me a review :o)


	2. Slush Beyond Slash

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, Ginny would have died a long time ago (la la la...).

Author's Note: I loved everyone's reviews from the first story. Thank you all for your kind words. I decided to add another installment because, uh, I just felt like it. I'm also going to deviate from the single "slash" parody and incorporate other things. I hope you enjoy this! I also threw in an "Arrested Development" reference, so if you manage to catch it, then cookies for you!

* * *

**Sexy Hogwarts  
****Slush Beyond Slash **

The author would like to preface the story by saying that how bad it is can be attributed to (and only to) being on a "sugar hi (sic)" and/or sleep deprivation. What do you mean those aren't valid excuses for sucky fics?

Draco still refused to believe that he was dying of trampitis. It was impossible! He must have been pregnant; it was the only logical explanation to this sorted story.

Instead of finding out who was the biological father... mother… other parent, whatever, Draco decided that it would be Harry. It didn't make sense in retrospect. After all, Ron is a pureblood, and Snape is sexy. But Ron is poor, and Snape would most likely eat the baby, so Harry it was.

Draco walked up to Harry and gave him a tap on the shoulder. "Yo Potter," he said. "I'm pregnant and the baby's yours."

"Oh… okay then," Harry replied, nervously fiddling with his glasses. "Are you sure?"

"Fuck off Potter, of course I'm sure," Draco snapped. "Why _I_was the one who got pregnant is beyond me."

"Well, you _are_ very effeminate," Harry pointed out.

"I am not!" Draco shrieked in a high-pitched girlie voice. "I just have a certain expectation when it comes to vanity and hygiene!"

"Which you disregarded when you had hot unprotected sex with multiple partners yesterday, right?"

"Stop pointing out all the plot holes, asshole," said Draco as he stalked off.

Harry fell into a deep contemplation. So he was the father of Draco's child. At first he didn't think it was possible, but hey, it's magic right? Magic is the answer to all the biological impossibilities in the wizarding world! Therefore, a male becoming pregnant was possible and Harry had to accept the fact that he had hot sex with Draco and was now going to be the parent of his baby. It was too much to wrap his head around—

"Harry! Quidditch practice!" Fred or George called out.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

* * *

"Ugh, I feel kind of pregnant," Hermione groaned during lunch. 

Ginny glanced over at her. "Pregnant? Who did you have sex with?"

"You."

"Oh right," Ginny stroked her chin. "It doesn't make sense that I could impregnate you because I'm a female and have no sperm (unless I'm a hermaphrodite but let's not get into that okay?). Unless..."

"What?" Hermione perked up in attention.

"Well, yesterday I had sex with a guy. It wasn't recorded because it was het sex and happened in the afternoon when nothing important happened. Since we didn't use a condom, there might have been some sperm in my area and it might have entered you."

Hermione's eyes grew round. "Oh my God. W...who did you have sex with?"

Pause.

"Draco Malfoy."

Hermione fainted.

* * *

Snape was lurking around the school in a sinister way, as usual, when he spotted Neville Longbottom clumsily bump into a member of the Hufflepuff house. He sputtered a quick apology and continued on his way. That is, until Snape caught him. 

"Mr. Longbottom, physically assaulting other students is not permitted in Hogwarts," he said to a very pale-faced Neville. "Detention, right now."

"No, please sir, you can't do this to me..." Neville was shaking. "I'll do anything else, please sir!"

Maybe for the first time in his entire life, Snape actually twitched the corners of his mouth as to resemble a smirk of some sort. "I accept your offer, now I expect you at my classroom right after your final class today." The ends of his coat billowed around him as he walked away in a very Snape-like fashion.

Neville scratched his head in confusion but continued on.

* * *

Hermione was now prowling the halls of Hogwarts, seeking Draco Malfoy. Yeah, she probably regained consciousness, but who cares right? Anyway, so she needed to tell Draco that... she was pregnant with his child. 

Dun dun dun!

"Wait, Hermione you can't tell him!" Ginny came running toward her. "He'll freak out! You don't know what he's capable of! He might even kill you, given that he will believe that he got you pregnant through me, which I'm sure is a biological impossibility but who said fan fictions had to be researched or even make sense?"

Hermione slowly turned around. "Huh?"

Just as Ginny was about to speak, a chandelier suddenly broke loose from the ceiling and crushed her. Not to be outdone, a crazed axe murderer ran in and hacked her body up to bits. And just for insurance, a lightening bolt came into the building and zapped each of her chunks into a burnt crisp.

* * *

After doing a little happiness jig over Ginny's burned/crushed/mutilated/rotting corpse, Hermione decided the best thing to do was to tell her arch nemesis Draco Malfoy that she was in fact the mother of his child despite the fact that they had never even touched each other and they hated each other way out of canon. But then again, many people actually see this hatred as pent-up lust so it's up to you to make that interpretation. Oh wait, the author just made it for you. 

She found Malfoy at the Slytherin table, scarfing up chicken wings. Hermione casually tapped him on the shoulder and said "Malfoy, I'm preggers and you're the baby daddy."

Malfoy snarled. "How is it possible that I'm the father of your ugly disgusting baby you sexy—I mean ugly disgusting mudblood? I would never allow my heavenly parts to be associated with you." He spat at her and tried to poke out one of her eyes with his wand.

Hermione dodged all attempts. "I'm just telling you so you would know." She turned on her heel and began walking away.

Malfoy was awestruck. Maybe it was because he was about to be the father (or mother perhaps) of two different children. Or maybe it was because he couldn't help noticing how beautiful Hermione's rich, full body hair looked as the golden sunlight danced upon its robust curls. Nope, it's not untameable frizz at all…

* * *

There was a new student at Hogwarts who just got transferred from North America. (Warning to normal readers: The rest of this paragraph need not be read… in fact, I whole-heartedly discourage you from reading it because it adds absolutely nothing to the plot. Read at your own risk of boredom.) But in actuality, she was the secret unknown princess from a secret unknown part of the wizarding world that was hidden due to an exceptionally magical war or something equally epic. Her name was Myriska Annabella Raleigh Yazminne Serena Ursula Ellemeena, or MARY SUE for short. She had strawberry blonde hair that was precisely level with her underarms, azure eyes with a hint of lavender tint, soft, flawless skin and a model-like physique. Since she had just gotten to Hogwarts, the author could not help but give a lengthy description of the wonderfully trendy outfit she was wearing: super cool brand-name expensive low-rise jeans, a tank top that complimented her golden tan and showed off her curvy cleavage, etc. etc. which was subtly but beautifully accessorised and accentuated all her nice endowments… blah blah blah, even the author was getting tired of writing this over self-indulgent paragraph. 

"Do you mind if I call you Mary Sue?" Professor Dumbledore asked while reading her school transcript: high marks that came from natural talents but some sprinkled variation from juvenile delinquency and youthful rebellion.

"I'd prefer it if you called me by my full name if you please," said Myriska Annabella Raleigh Yazminne Serena Ursula Ellemeena rather defiantly.

"Whatever," Dumbledore tossed her transcript aside. "I think you'll integrate well into this school, but still stick out slightly due to your unique but irresistible personality. You'll also be the object of sexual attraction to many of the most desired Hogwarts students and maybe some of the staff too due to your unbearable beauty. In fact, I've got the urge to have a wank while looking at you right now."

"I wouldn't expect anything else!" Myriska Annabella Ralei... ugh… Mary Sue said. She gracefully swept out of the room and headed to her first class.

Dumbledore called in the next new transfer student into his office. The long line of beautiful, flawless edgy girls seemed to be in a never-ending supply.

* * *

Neville showed up for detention with Snape as he was scheduled to. Nervously, he entered the Potions classroom and resigned to his fate. 

"Ah, Mr. Longbottom." Snape turned around and almost smiled. "I have been waiting for you all day."

"Y-yes sir," Neville stammered. "What d-do you want me to do?"

"I want you to take off your robes."

Neville did so.

"And I want you to bend down."

Neville obliged.

"On all fours."

He positioned himself so.

Then Snape did the unthinkable. He took out a bucket of water and a moist sponge. "I want you to clean my floors. They had better be completely spotless, otherwise receive the unfortunate punishment of… having to clean them again!" With an uncharacteristic evil cackle (or characteristic depending on what kind of fandom you're used to), Snape left with his robes billowing.

* * *

There was a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, since all of them had mysteriously died/quit/tried to murder Harry Potter/etc. You'd think because of the track record people would be reluctant to take the position but… nah. 

The students gathered into class, wondering who it was. Mary Sue sat in the front of the class (which showed her intellect), her posture graceful. Half the class were drooling small puddles on their desks. They were also making small puddles on the floor via another bodily fluid, but anyway...

In swept the new teacher. He was amazingly handsome, like holy shit hotness! Harry had never seen a more attractive specimen of manhood in his life. Harry decided he was in love, because if there is a gorgeous character in a story he/she ultimately becomes entangled in some sort of love story. Unless everyone in the story is attractive, then… you got one big orgy coming your way!

Harry turned to Hermione and said "Is that the new DADA teacher?"

"Don't call it that," Hermione replied. "And yes, it is. He's Professor Smith."

Harry was imagining having hardcore loving with this teacher. Luckily, the teacher was thinking the same thing so after class Professor Smith asked Harry to stay after class so he could sexually exploit this underage young man and Harry lived his wildest sexual fantasies. Afterwards, they pretended it never happened because really, it didn't add anything to the plot (er… if one existed).

* * *

Everyone was seated at Transfiguration class the next day. "I presume no one remembers how to turn animals into water goblets," Professor McGonagall said. "I taught it to you in second year, and not one of you even used it to save the world from The Dark Lord, making my teaching of it completely of no use! 

"Not only that, but if you ever find yourself locked in a bedroom by your evil relatives with no food and with one creature by your side, don't eat it, turn it into a pretty water goblet! And another thing..."

All the students proceeded to bang their heads against their desks, willing Professor McGonagall to stop (or put an end to their own lives).

"…I will be assigning a new, special project that will force you with another student—one that you have an unusual amount of sexual tension with ideally—for extended periods of time. You will be physically confined to this person and must stay with them all throughout the day. If possible, you will shower and share the same bed together."

Under her breath, Professor McGonagall added, "And if something sexual should emerge out of this arrangement, then... well, how could it not?!"

A student in the class raised her hand. "Professor, what is the purpose of this assignment?"

Professor McGonagall blanked. She didn't want to admit it was just for pure pleasure, aka the author's lack of imagination. "Um…"

She turned into a black cat and the students clapped in brainless awe.

It wasn't long before everyone was paired up. Harry was with Ron, Dean was with Seamus, Luna was with Neville, and Hermione was with… Draco.

Dun dun dun!

"Now, class dismissed." Professor McGonagall announced. The sexiness between all these children was just about to start!

* * *

In the short time Mary Sue was at Hogwarts, she had been able to seduce half the student and staff body, which due to time constraints basically meant that she would be having sex with her lovers during class. One time even when the professor was giving the lecture. Say what you want about the sexual promiscuity of said professor, but he/she certainly could teach under any cir-cum-stance! (Rim shot!) 

Mary Sue was also trying to seduce Draco Malfoy, who was trying to seduce Hermione Granger, who in turn was trying to seduce Mary Sue. It was a totally unnecessary love triangle that could only end in tragedy.

She was running after Draco. "My half-Veela love!" she cried out passionately. "How is it possible that you could resist moi, an impossibly hot girl who has all the characteristics that give you a hard on?"

Draco was paying no attention. He was running after Hermione. "Hermione, my new-found land… I mean love, I'm fucking Draco Malfoy! You cannot deny me! No one can!!"

And Hermione was chasing Mary Sue. "Your impressive hotness has made me turn decidedly lesbian! I must have you right now!"

Consequently this meant the three of them were running in a circle… or maybe a triangle with no end. See, I told you this was a redundant storyline.

Eventually one of them lost enough energy, collapsed and died. It was tragic, oh so tragic.

Draco stared at her corpse. "Who the fuck was this girl? She just appeared out of nowhere."

"I have no idea," Hermione replied. She decided she wasn't gay anymore and leapt into the arms of Draco Malfoy. Because that's how human sexuality works, you simply pick whichever is most convenient to your story… I mean, life.

* * *

After Draco's tryst with Hermione, he decided to communicate to his parents via the fireplace or however the hell the students communicate with the outside world to tell his parents that he was pregnant. 

"Mother, I'm pregnant," Draco told his mom.

"Well I certainly expected this," Narissa said.

"HUH?"

She sighed on the phone. "We meant to tell you a little later, but I guess now's a good a time as any to tell you this. Draco, you were born a girl."

"WHAT?!?!"

"It's true. Your father and I wanted a boy to carry on the Malfoy legacy, so we gave you a sex reassignment operation. The doctor probably missed a spot here and there in your female anatomy."

Draco began stammering. "Buh… huh… whah…"

Narissa burst out a fit of hysterical laughter. "I'm just kidding! Of course you're a boy Draco!"

Draco nearly flipped a shit. "Put father on," he snapped impatiently.

A short scuffle later, Lucius' voice protruded from the receiver. "Hello Draco. Your mother tells me you've gotten pregnant."

"Yes father…" Draco dropped his voice to a whisper. "And it's not yours."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You know…" Draco's eyes began tearing up as he recalled the many times his father raped him… but it was sorta sexy so you know. At least, he thought his father sexually abused him. Draco had a difficult time differentiating fantasy from reality. I mean not fantasy… imagined horror. Yes, his sexy father having sex with him sure was awful. Awful sexy.

"What on earth are you talking about Draco?"

"Don't you start pretending you never did anything to me!" Draco hissed.

Lucius blanked. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Now I have some Death Eater business to attend to. Remember to kill Dumbledore and brush your teeth before bedtime."

"Yes father." Draco hung up the phone and began to cry in angsty anguish.

* * *

Harry was facing a crisis in conscience. It haunted him and took hold of him. He decided to talk to Hermione about it, since she knows everything about everything, which makes up for lack of plot development in canon. Oops, I mean… J.K. Rowling is like the best author in all of history! 

"Hermione," Harry said. "I think I'm in love with Ron."

Hermione blinked. "What the hell? When did this happen?"

"This morning, during breakfast time. I remember it vividly because I was eating a delicious sausage and imagining I was eating his—"

"Er, that's enough. Let me think…" Hermione scratched her chin. "Do you have any reason why you've fallen in love with Ron?"

"No," Harry answered. "It's strange. I don't want to be in love with my best friend, but it just sort of happened. Out of the blue. Just like that."

"I think I know what's happening," Hermione said. "Sexual tension is everywhere and it's inevitable that you're going to fall in love with someone that you're close to. Isn't it just natural? Since you and Ron are best friends who sleep in the same room, sexual desire is bound to ensue. The only remedy to this situation is to have sexy sex with him and make everything sexually awkward to make room for more sex."

Harry sighed and began singing. "Where have all the platonic friendships gone, long time passing…"

* * *

Ron realized spontaneously that he was in love with Ernie McMillian. Unfortunately, Ernie was straight (what are the odds, huh?) and would never love Ron for who he was. So Ron decided he was going to pretend to be a girl in order to capture Ernie's heart. 

"This ought to do it," Ron said, adjusting the blonde wig with pigtails and his skirt. "Ernie's bound to fall for me."

Hermione was performing a double shift that day, first trying to comfort Harry and now presiding over Ron. "Uh, Ron, are you sure this is going to work? You look like you just got lost on your way to a clown convention."

"Silence Hermione! You don't know anything about being a girl! Now, I must go make Ernie fall in love with me!"

A few minutes later, Ernie and Rona (don't you just adore that name?) were making out in the Gryffindor common room. Ernie was hoping that by being with Rona that he could dispel any rumours of his homosexual tendencies, and Ron hoped that Ernie would love his own personality enough so that when he revealed his true persona, Ernie would love him just the same.

"I'm gay!" Ernie blurted without prompt.

"I'm a guy!" Ron blurted simultaneously.

"Thank God!" They both yelped and continued making out heavily.

* * *

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan were two guys that were similar in personality, shared a sleeping room and were not attached to any other females. Therefore, they were involved with each other. Even better, they shared a common interest: BDSM! 

Dean tightened the rope on Seamus' wrist against the bed post. "I'm going to whip you with my right hand while sticking my wand up your ass with my left. And by wand I mean my 9-inch cherry wood. And by my 9-inch cherry wood, I mean the one I purchased at Ollivander's. It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's gonna be really sexy."

"I'm scared, but that just adds to the sexiness," Seamus replied encouragingly.

Unfortunately, Dean wasn't as coordinated as he thought and accidentally ended up killing Seamus.

"Oh shit," Dean was upset. But then he smiled. "Necrophilia time!" he exclaimed as he pounced on Seamus' corpse.

* * *

So it was the end of the week, and lots of sexual encounters had occurred during that short time span. Professor Dumbledore stood up at the staff table to address his students. "I'm proud to announce a very active week for everyone in Hogwarts. Now I must ask before the weekend approaches: are there still any virgins among us?" 

A few first years jumped out their seats and ran for their lives.

"Get 'em!" someone shouted, and the whole school was after them, wanting their innocent, supple, pre-pubescent bodies for themselves.

* * *

Nine months later, Draco and Hermione had their respective children. The author decided to forgo the fact that Draco actually was supposed to be dying because duh, that wasn't convenient to the story. And the author couldn't think of a reasonable explanation as to how Draco could transition so, so whatever. 

Draco stared at his baby. It had greasy black hair, freckles and was near-sighted. Draco frowned. "So who's the father of this thing?"

Harry, Ron and Snape both whistled and sauntered away.

Draco sighed. "Well, I already decided Harry was going to be the father, so Harry's baby it shall be." And Draco was satiated.

Hermione, on the other hand, was even more baffled with her offspring. "What the crap? It has red hair and looks an awful lot like Ginny! Does this mean that... this is also Ginny's baby and that she was a hermaphrodite after all?" Hermione pondered that thought. "Coolios."

Then she began sobbing. "Oh Ginny, oh the love of my life Ginny, it is a tragic loss that you're gone. This makes for a beautifully tragic storyline doesn't it? However my daughter looks just like you. I hope I don't get unnatural incestuous urges when my daughter grows up to look like the love of my life."

Draco looked over from his bed, where he had also given birth. "Hey, what about me? I thought you loved me!"

Hermione furrowed a brow. "You're a guy. How could I possibly be attracted to a member of the opposite sex? It just doesn't work that way."

* * *

You'd think there would be a subplot about Dumbledore being gay tromping around Hogwarts, but since he never outed himself in the books, the author decided that the statement J.K. Rowling gave has no validity. Except when he's lusting after Harry Potter or Hagrid, of course. Who the flip is Giwlden... Gumbleweed anyway? He's also dead, but writing fics about Hogwarts is easier if you include him so the author decided to disregard that fact as well.

* * *

Oh, and somewhere outside of Hogwarts, Bill and Charlie were having hot gay incest. Just wanted to throw that out there. 

The author would like to end the story by saying that she will only write another chapter if she gets at least ten… no, fifty reviews. Coz you know, this story is God's gift to beautiful slash fiction and the author believes she deserves fifty reviews.

**The End**

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for sticking around! Sorry about the length, I have no idea how it got to be so excessive. I hope you enjoyed it! 


End file.
